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Please check your sanity at the door.
"Eschew Obfuscation," courtesy bmonk 
2nd-Apr-2010 10:42 pm
Grammar lesson

1. Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. And everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

2. Just between you and I, the case of a pronoun is important to it meaning.

3. Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects.

4. The active voice is preferred. Use of the passive voice is to be avoided.

5. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.

6. From “The Elements of Style” by Strunk and White: “The subject of a sentence and the principal verb should not, as a rule, be separated by a phrase or clause that can be transferred to the beginning.”

7. If your verb tenses agreed, you have written a good sentence.

8. The adverb always follows the verb.

9. Hyphenate between sylla-
bles and avoid un-necessary hyphens. One-syllable wor-
ds must never be hyphenated at all, under an-
y circumstances—they must always be left on one li-
ne. Also, do not leave a one-letter syllable o-
rphan at the start or end of a line.

10. Their is sometimes difficulty knowing when to use “there” instead of “their”.

11. Bee sure too yews the rite word of the pear wen ewe must pick between to (oar moor) homophones.

12. Foreign words and phrases are rarely apropos, especially unfamiliar terms. Then alles kaput, u.s.w.

13. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have stealed into the language.

14. Do not put statements in the negative form.

15. Don’t use no double negatives. Don’t never even think about no triple negatives.

16. Were trying to learn people to use the language correctly, by inferring that grammar are important.

17. Ain’t ain’t a proper word.

18. Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers.

19. A writer must not shift your point of view.

20. Write all adverbial forms correct, so you write goodly.

21. Never utilize an enormous, pseudoerudite word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Eschew polysyllabic profundity. Additionally and equally, eschew categorical sesquipedalian obfuscation.

23. Sentences. Monoword? Eliminate.

24. Also, avoid absolutely any and all awful, awkward or affected anachronistic aggravating antediluvian alliterations and assonances.

25. Dialect is bansticked, irregardless.

26. Neowords are avoidful monstrousnessessities. Notuse them.

27. Unuse neoconstructs from untruthstories; they are superdoubleplusungood.

28. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

29. A dangling preposition is a construction you should never end with. (This is famously something up with which Winston Churchill would not put.)

30. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

31. Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!! Don’t go there!!!!!!!!

32. In fact, isn’t combined punctuation at the end of a sentence both wrong and an affectation?!?

33. Don’t use question marks inappropriately?

34. Remember to end every declarative sentence with a period

35. A dash is never used to end a sentence—

36. Join clauses well like a conjunction should.

37. About sentence fragments. Corollary: Complete sentences: important.

38. Don’t use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them they are hard to read.

39. In letters books essays memos lists and reports use commas to separate items in series. Other commas are for most helpful in reducing confusion which without doubt would happen without them.

39. Watch your numbering.

40. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition - take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr, and Abraham Lincoln. And Martin Luther King Jr. also.

41. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

42. Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.

43. Its important to use you’re apostrophe’s correctly.

44. Don’t, ever use commas, that, are not necessary.

45. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; and never where it isn’t.

46. However parenthetical words that is words that explain should be enclosed in commas.

47. Reserve the apostrophe for it’s proper use and omit it when its not needed.

48. Slashes/solidi/virgules almost always betray a lazy thinker who is not sure of his/her thoughts and/or doesn’t want to make them precise.

49. Don’t use contractions in formal writing.

50. Don’t abbrev. unless it’s nec. for some reas.

51. capitalize the First Word in Each and Every sentence. don’t Capitalize Any others except for Proper names, such as sally, or new york.

52. Check carefully see if you any words out.

53. Watch out that in your writing that you don’t have have an extra word put in your sentence.

54. Also, you can not runwords to get her with out spaces, and can not have extra spaces in single words.

55. Place a space after punctuation ,and not before .Except that“ quotation marks ”should be adjacent to the words they quote .

56. “Avoid ‘overuse’ of ‘quotation “marks.” ’ ”

57. Always pick on the correct idiom.

58. Forgetting a prefix is couth and shows your eptitude.

59. In the case of a document or datafile, check to see that jargonwise, it’s A-OK.

60. Adjectivewise, the use of the suffixes “-ish” and “-wise” betray sloppy, jargonish thought.

61. As far as incomplete constructions, wrong, wrong, wrong.

62. Don’t string too many prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death to a lonely end with loss of face from excess of qualifiers.

63. In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing his thoughts in his own words should definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many extra unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across effectively because it is annoying and excessive.

64. And…by the way…avoid overuse of elipses—and dashes too—unless you are a poet—like Emily Dickinson…but—it’s better to just…avoid them.

65. Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on, and never stop; they just keep rambling and babbling on, and you really wish the person would just shut up, or edit his work, or something, but no, they just keep going–they’re far worse than the Energizer Bunny–they prattle incessantly and just never stop, they go on forever, infinitely irritating anyone who reads them, if you get my drift—and just when you think they have made their point, they start up all over again and repeat themselves in words that are nearly the same, making the same point in as many different ways as possible but never saying anything new—in fact, they could use a quarter or less of the words to make their point, but no, they just repeat themselves again and again, going on and on and on until you are ready to choke them so they won’t have any breath to speak, because they are so exasperating and Just Won’t Quit!

66. Refrain from antagonizing people, you stupid jerk!

67. Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, which was an era dominated by the Scyths, who lived in what we now know as the Ukraine, but later the Goths lived there, who invaded the Roman Empire and plundered Rome, which is a very nice city to visit with many churches full of art like the Pieta, which was carved by Michaelangelo, whose name means “Michael the Angel”, who is actually not an artist but an archangel with a feast day on September 29, which is a good day to have a picnic with your girlfriend–who wishes you would just avoid tangents and stick to the point.

68. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

69. Be more or less specific; try to avoid weasel words as much as possible.

70. Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.

71. Forsooth, it behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.

72. Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black abyss of overused metaphors.

73. Keep your ear to the grindstone, your nose to the ground, take the bull by the horns of a dilemma, and stop mixing your metaphors, lest you tread lightly on dangerous waters and pour oil on watched pots.

74. A good analogy slides along the surface of the writing, like a bowling ball on water doesn’t.

75. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

76. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

77. Who needs rhetorical questions?

78. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

79. Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings.

80. Proofreading is verry improtant to ketch obvious misteaks.

81. To ignorantly split an infinitive, even in English where to often split infinitives is allowed is a practice to religiously avoid.

82. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky; they are not phat.

83. And, man, never use that totally cool, radically groovy out-of-date slang to be out of sight.

84. Kuteness is stoopid.

85. BTW, Internet abbreviations are not LOL; AAMOF, they are quite annoying. Avoid them in FL texts.

86. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.

87. All generalizations are bad. Corollary: All statements must be specific.

88. Down with categorical imperatives.

89. Too many rules stifle creativity. Do not make up your own rules. You are not allowed to enact punishments. Failure to observe this will result in dismissal.

90. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.
Comments 
(Deleted comment)
3rd-Apr-2010 08:01 pm (UTC)
Heehee.
3rd-Apr-2010 12:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for gathering and posting these in one location. I had a gut feeling that someone would, so I saved myself the time of doing it myself - and my faith was rewarded.

3rd-Apr-2010 08:01 pm (UTC)
You're welcome. :-)
3rd-Apr-2010 09:10 pm (UTC) - Perverse rules
As the collector, editor and author of various of these rules, I'm glad to see them out there in one place. It was a lot of fun doing them up--to the point of excess...
3rd-Apr-2010 09:57 pm (UTC) - Re: Perverse rules
And gratia maxima to you as well, Bunnyface!

3rd-Apr-2010 10:28 pm (UTC) - Re: Perverse rules
:D

Thank you for putting them together!
3rd-Apr-2010 01:20 pm (UTC) - LOL!!
:D :D :D
3rd-Apr-2010 08:00 pm (UTC) - Re: LOL!!
Heehee.
4th-Apr-2010 03:10 am (UTC)
This was perfect! :)
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